Funny Christmas Movie Quotes
'Tis the season to be jolly! Which is why we’ve put together some of our favourite hilarious quotes from only the best Christmas movies for you to have on hand throughout the season. Even those who aren’t the biggest fan of Christmas will find it hard to not crack a smile at some of these zingy one-liners.
- One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone, and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books – Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
- From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it – Roundabout
- If you see a sign that says ‘Peep Show’, that doesn’t mean they’re letting you look at presents before Christmas – Elf
- Merry Christmas, you filthy animal! – Home Alone 1 and 2
- The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear – Elf
- I didn’t come here to make an impression on anybody, I just came here to blow every last cent I had – Last Holiday
- Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho – Die Hard
- For a couple of hours out of the whole year we are the people that we always hoped we would be – Scrooged
- Son of a nutcracker! – Elf
- It’s cold outside. A man’s gotta do something to keep warm - Drunk Santa from Miracle on 34th Street
- You’ll shoot your eye out kid! - A Christmas Story
- Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know... the birth of Santa - Bart Simpson
- You're skipping Christmas! Isn't that against the law? - Christmas with the Kranks
- You say you hate Christmas and people treat you like you're a leper - Gremlins
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Funny Christmas Quotes from Celebrities
As the saying goes, “the lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together” even celebrities. We’ve rounded up some of our favourite Christmas quotes from celebrities that not only made us laugh but are also just so relatable.
- Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit - Kin Hubbard
- Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year - Victor Borge
- I love Christmas. I receive a lot of presents I can’t wait to exchange - Henny Youngman
- You know you’re getting older when Santa starts looking younger - Robert Paul
- There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right? - Conan O’Brien
- Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas - Johnny Carson
- That’s the true spirit of Christmas; being helped by people other than me - Jerry Seinfeld
- Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard - Andy Borowitz
- Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered - Johnny Carson
- The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband – Joan Rivers
- There has been only one Christmas, the rest are anniversaries - W.J. Cameron
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live - George Carlin
- Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas - Kin Hubbard
- You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights - Maya Angelou
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Funny Christmas Quotes Only Adults Will Understand
From pleasing the in-laws to entertaining little ones until they get their new toys, Christmas is a hectic time. Take a moment and regroup with our funny quotes only adults will understand that won’t only raise your spirit but also remind you, you’re not alone.
- The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for 20 minutes - Julius Sharpe.
- There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list — Milton Berle
- Let’s hope all your regifting will go undetected this year
- Sweet but twisted, does that make me a candy cane?
- My Christmas spirit is in the liquor cabinet
- Deck Yo Self, Before You Wreck Yo Self
- A Silent Night and a glass of wine, best holiday EVER
- Here comes Amazon, here comes Amazon, right to my front door
- All I want for Christmas is Snow, Jon Snow
- I’m releasing a holiday song called, “All I Want for Christmas is my Parents’ Freaking Wi-Fi Password
- Ho Ho Ho and a bottle of Merlot
- I’ll be home for Christmas and in therapy by New Year’s
- Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up - Wendy Cope
- I’m dreaming of a white Christmas but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red
- Why is Christmas just like a day in the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
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Funny Christmas Quotes for Family
Christmas brings friends and family together. And while it’s important to celebrate who’s around the tree, it’s a testing time for many. When the family bonding all gets a bit too much, sneak out and read through these family-related quotes to laugh away the pain.
- At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional
- Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home
- Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know they’re worth the price of a stamp
- Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men and Batteries not Included
- Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases
- Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family that I’m a gift
- A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day
- Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall - Larry Wilde
- Every family has one weird relative. If you don’t know who it is, then it’s probably you
- My husband’s idea of getting in the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.
- If you finish your Christmas shopping early, you should consider what’s wrong with you having so few friends
- I’m only a morning person on December 25th
- May the internet bring you comfort when your family goes insane this holiday season
- Good news: the holidays are about family. Bad news: It has to be your own family
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Funny Christmas Quotes about Food
The food, the drink, the Christmas crackers and well… the food. There’s lots to love about a Christmas spread - from turkey with stuffing to chocolate galore. We’ve collated some of the funniest Christmas quotes about food that’ll be sure to satisfy those cravings.
- Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks
- You know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I got fat
- People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas
- Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log. - Ellen DeGeneres
- A Christmas goodie from me to you—eat it quick before I do
- Fruitcake is my least favourite gift. There is only one in the entire world, and people just keep sending it to each other
- Elastic waistbands, the true saviour of the holidays
- Christmas, the perfect excuse to cram as many marshmallows into your mug as possible
- All I want for Christmas is food
- Cocoa and spice make Christmas so nice
- Calories don’t count during Christmas
- We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup. - Elf
- Time to get into the holiday spirit...gin...vodka, whisky
- Eat, Drink and Be Merry.
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Funny Christmas Quotes about Santa
It’s official: Santa Claus is coming to town! The real VIP of the holiday season is the big guy in the red suit. The punchline of many Christmas quotes, Santa never falls short of providing that comedic element. Take a look below at some of our favourite Santa-related Christmas quotes
- Be naughty, save Santa the trip
- Santa told me you’d been very good this year. I told him it was just a lack of opportunity.
- If a fat man puts you in a bag at night...don’t worry. I told Santa I want you for Christmas
- Dear Santa, please refer to my Pinterest boards
- I just stole Santa’s naughty list! Ironically, it’s almost identical to my friends list
- I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph - Shirley Temple
- How do you know when Santa’s in the room? You can sense his presents
- Santa doesn’t believe in you either
- Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer - Catherine Tate
- Dear Santa, this year please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. You mixed those two up last year
- Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! - Francis P. Church
- There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus - Bob Phillips
- It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.
- Dear Santa, I have been nice all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I'll buy my own stuff
- I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking
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Funny Christmas Quotes about Money
There’s no denying that Christmas is an expensive season. From all the gift-buying to the food shopping for all the family, the bills can really rack up. But to keep you laughing until the New Year, here are some of the funniest Christmas quotes about money.
- Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet
- Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money
- It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
- They say the best Christmas gifts come from the heart...but cash and gift cards do wonders too
- One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales
- Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear
- Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas
- It’s easy to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket - Craig Ferguson
- The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can’t charge it — Bill Vaughan
- Only an accountant understands the real meaning of Christmas
- For Christmas this year I will be donating in your name into my bank account
- There’s something about Christmas that’s just so magical. Money seems to disappear into thin air
- Even before Christmas has said hello, it’s saying buy buy - Robert Paul
- If suggesting gifts: money is appropriate, and one size fits all - William Randolph Hearst
- Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice – Dave Barry
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Summary
Hopefully by now, you’ve cried with laughter or at the very least, cracked a smile at some of our favourite funny Christmas quotes. Whether you just needed a mood boost or were looking for a unique message for a greeting card, there’s sure to be a quote to match. While we have your attention, why not check out our range of Christmas gifts here, perfect for becoming the gifting hero that we all aspire to be.
